When masculine and feminine energy combine they set each other free of their own constraints and this is perhaps one of the most magnificent experiences in life and largely the reason why we often say that we ‘feel complete’ with a particular person of the opposite sex.
On a biological level, men and women are hardwired to procreate with each other and we have not evolved out of this yet, and that will not happen anytime soon. However, no matter how innate this design is, it does not always serve well in todays’ modern society.
Nevertheless, we do form friendships with members of the opposite sex and these can be some of the most rewarding and enjoyable friendships we have as we get something out of it that we simply do not get from same sex friendships. In regards to the kind of friendship between a woman and a man in which the man finds a girlfriend and thus diverts his attention and energies accordingly, there is a healthy amount of feeling left out or missing the person. It is the extent to which you experience these feeling and what is really sponsoring and motivating them.
The best way to understand whether you are these feelings are a healthy balance is to imagine that it was a good female friend who had perhaps got married. Of course you would miss them and feel strongly for them and underneath it all you would be very happy for them. In essence, if the feelings with the man are truly platonic it should make no difference that it is a male friend as a healthy balanced person should be able to handle and appreciate the situation just as she would if it were one her female friends.
Feelings that unnecessarily strong in this situation will most likely indicate that the friendship extends beyond that of a healthy platonic one. This can be cause by one of two things; either the feelings of desertion come from not having many close friends and losing one’s attention has a massive impact or you actually have feeling for your male friends as they may be meeting a need for you that you are not getting elsewhere.
Sometimes, secretly when we have feelings for someone along with our own insecurities and issues we find it easier to have that person in our life by keeping them at arm’s length. Moreover, when we have a friendship with a member of the opposite sex and the relationship through shared experience as well as sharing of ourselves through conversations etc., feelings can form this way as well. In such a case we can also create a fear of ‘rocking the boat’ in the friendship by acting on these feelings, which become amplified when we seem to be losing that person to someone else.
In either, we are not being true to ourselves and therefore whatever actions take place there will be unresolved and negative emotions that will be experienced. They say ‘we regret the things that we don’t do’ and as quality relationships of any kind are built on honest and effective communication, this is no exception.
Therefore, by being first honest with yourself about how you really feel and having an honest two way communication with your male friend in a tactful and genuine way will allow you to reveal the right course of action and to find some balance and peace in your experience. This may sound very simple, and it is; however, our emotions when heightened tend to cloud our judgment. Furthermore, we tend to act on emotions a lot more than logic, this means we may have tendency to avoid such a communication in order to spare our feelings or for fear of losing the quality or disrupting of relationship with our friend. This doesn’t tend to work in the long run as it is naïve way of attempting to experience less pain in the moment and we suffer more in the long run when we are not true to ourselves. You may have to consider it like taking a band aid off quickly, it may feel uncomfortable in the moment but you feel a lot better, a lot longer and a lot sooner if you face and deal with it directly.
If you are experiencing feelings of desertion or loneliness these should be acknowledged as messages to you about you and nothing more if you want to use your emotions constructively in this instance. They say that ‘emotions are the language of the soul’ and perhaps they are. Our emotions will never lie to us as they simply cannot and it would serve no purpose for that to happen. Our own emotions can act as one of the greatest forms of personal feedback if we truly pay attention to them and treat them with the informative quality that they possess.
When feelings of desertion or loneliness or any other undesired emotion occur it is a message to us that something that we consider import and valuable is missing in our life, not be acknowledged or not being fulfilled. This is an opportunity to apply the emotional intelligence and maturity to step outside of ourselves and consider: what is that is so valuable to me that I would feel this way when it is gone? What is it, that when in my life, will create the happiness and joy that has been created with my friendship with this man?
When you discover the answer to these questions, you create a greater path to an even deeper level of happiness. You may discover that you require another male friend that shares similar interests to you or you could discover that you actually do want a relationship and that you friend has shown some of the important qualities that you require to have a happy successful relationship. In any case, we should use our experience as feedback to introspect and discover more about what is important and valuable to us.
It will not serve any purpose to get stuck with these feelings without addressing them and to hold them in anyway against our male friend. Certainly a word of caution would be not to enter into any form of shallow attention seeking or game playing. By the very nature of games, someone has to lose. And in the act of undertaking such game playing a certain degree of shallow behaviours would have to be entertained and if the neither the male friend nor his new partner are the type to entertain such behaviours, it will most likely backfire and run the risk of ruining any kind of quality friendship there can be. Having some self-awareness and asking ‘am I being emotionally mature about this? And what would I want from my male friend if I had found a partner?’ will serve self-guidance in how to act.
By doing this you can gain support from the couple as well gaining another friend. They will even help along your path to finding what makes you happy when you are supportive of them. with this in mind, appropriate boundaries should be kept with them as with any couple and also when the relationship is new there will inevitably be a honeymoon period in which the couple will need their own space to form and develop their relationship.
Being a supportive friend and using your emotions as feedback will serve you in the long run. And assuming the girlfriend is a balanced person there are opportunities for everyone to achieve greater happiness. As their relationship progresses the male friend will most likely appreciate the influence of another feminine energy and would be useful for him to have another woman to talk about things with as well. His girlfriend will most likely enjoy spending time with other women as well as this will add variety to their lives and relationship and allows you to support the couple and add value to their lives.
As for the issue of creating competition with the other women, as long as your communications with her are supportive and she is balanced and receptive it should be taken in the right nature. If it is not, then it could very well be the insecurity of the girlfriend, which is a separate issue that she will have to resolve for herself. No relationships always run smoothly and having a mutual friend that they trust can be of great benefit to both parties.
In order to establish this kind of friendship with the girlfriend it is a lot easier to do so if meeting in social situations where there are more people. Because the girlfriend may not know you that well or at all, by meeting initially in group settings it will take some of the intensity of focus off the relationship between you and your male friend. It also allows for opportunities to demonstrate to the girlfriend that what you have is a healthy friendship with her boyfriend in a more neutral setting. This can be achieved by being equally social with both parties as well as others; this will demonstrate that you are sociable person who enjoys the company of others, not just of her boyfriend. Furthermore, whilst you may have a very close friendship to the male, doing things such as touching a lot and remaining in each other’s personal space, particularly for extended periods of time, can give the wrong impression. This doesn’t mean stop doing it altogether, simply create boundaries so that you can establish a foundation of trust and respect with the girlfriend.
Another thing that can be done is that when you speak with the girlfriend you share of your own self and your life outside of your friendship with her boyfriend e.g., connect on your on shared interests with her such as hobbies and music. Also, women when in good rapport with each other will tend to help the other one; this can be an opportunity to get her on board to perhaps assist you in finding your own partner. Doing this is a double edge sword; firstly, you have elevated and empowered the girlfriend into a position of helping you, which is in effect a very powerful compliment. Secondly, you get assistance in getting more value in your own life. In doing this in a sincere way a relatively deep level of bonding would have to occur.
In conclusion, use your emotions as messages here to discover more about what you really want in your own life. Secondly, reverse the situation in your mind and think how you would want your male friend to behave you had found a partner. This will get you into a better frame of thinking that will allow you to make better decision for you and to take a better course of action.
